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http://girlmeetsdream.tumblr.com/



:) !
Kind of addicted already..

I've been thinking about him lately, probably more than I should, or if I should even at all.

It's my only hope to hold on too.

I wonder about him.

Wonder if I'll see him again.

Will I even have the guts to say more than 2 words if I do?

Wonder if he ever thinks about me.

I could've helped him. I should've been the listener that I am today.

He would've trusted to tell me why he was feeling that way. But I was immature and I ignored it.

I didn't even know it then but in just a few months I would be going through almost the SAME thing that he did. And he could've helped ME, like I should've done with him. Someone could have. I might have had someone to talk to about all of this. That makes me really, really angry with myself.

I was a bad friend towards him. Plain and simple.

I regret that.

I regret a few things when it comes to him, actions I chose to take.

Everything could be different than it is today. Everything.

And that kinda kills me.

But he didn't pursue me after that, he gave up I guess. So that leads me to believe that what we had wasn't real, because when you care about someone you keep at it. I wasn't worth the pursuing.

what am I thinking here

I need to stop

it's all gone and I need to stop

I need something else to think about. I need something else to believe in

My thoughts are occupied by how things could have went if I didn't do something else. And that's for multiple situations

I'm having trouble facing with reality, that's it.

I feel like going to bed and just crying so than I will feel all better by tomorrow and have let it all out so this mood will pass

What happened, and when exactly did it all fall apart?

I love how other people's words can express what I want to say so clearly.

100000000000000000%

a v e r a g e

So tonight was this big dance competition between two teams, Blue and Gold, for my school. I wasn't planning on going because I think it's really stupid, but hey I decided to go. Mostly because Danielle said she would go so both of us went and met up with my other friend. So I'm watching all of these girls, and their making me so envious, angry, and sad all at the same time because they all look like they have it all together. From the outside, it looks like their lives are perfect. I can practically picture their lives in my head right now. And god it all makes me so everything all at the same time. I wish I wish I wish. I'm falling apart while most girls look like they are loving their life to the core.

Throughout the night I could feel my self-esteem becoming lower and lower. I know I'm completely average. I'm not the smartest. I'm not the prettiest. I'm not involved in anything what so ever. I basically feel like the gum on your sidewalk!

So I asked myself a question, does being average really cut it in this world?
I don't think so, really. I KNOW, yes, most people are average. But you know what, I'm allowed to hate being average. Shoot me. I seriously do. I want to be wonderful, what's so bad about that. I wish I could be pretty without even trying like some girls I saw tonight, not study for a test and do well, do something. Be in the front row for a dance routine, hit a home run, do a back hand spring, win a contest. I'm not involved in ANYTHING. I'm not in any clubs, sports, etc. in my school. And you know why? Because. I. Hate. People.

I cannot stand 99.8% of the people I've come across at my school. I wish I could run into a hole when I have to hear their mindless conversations. I don't like to surround myself with them at all, so why would I spend my free hours with them? So I choose not too, therefore making me seem like a complete loner. But you know what.. I guess I am. The being a loner part I'm okay with. So what? Don't really care about that at all. I have my 3 best friends in the world and I'm perfectly happy about that. I'd rather have 3 best friends than 300 acquaintances any day.

While those girls are dreaming happy dreams I'm having a breakdown and can't stop thinking thinking thinking.
While those girls are sleeping I read till 3am.
While those girls are occupied with trying to get a boy to hookup with to make themselves seem more popular, I guess, I think about my future.
While those girls are out every Friday night, sometimes I'd rather stay home and watch movies.
While those girls are texting 5 guys at a time I look at my window at awe with the world.

I guess you get my point. And while all these things I do I enjoy and personally think are great, I wish I was different. I wish I was kinda like those girls. I know I can honestly say I feel different than a lot of them. I am happy with that, but at the same time sad. It's contradicting and weird. Ah. Maybe this isn't making sense.

I told my dad in the car that honestly sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to him and mom. I don't do anything and I have no accomplishments. They don't go see their daughter kick a winning goal, sing her heart out, dance in a recital, have a lead in the school play. They could be missing out while have hopes that my younger sister will do things. Of course he said no, so did Mom later on. He said guys prefer average girls? 'Cause then we got in the topic of guys. And that teenage years are such a small part of ones life if you look at life as a whole. That made me smile. Mom said that she has plenty to be proud of. She said I'm mature than people doubled my age, and that I'm insightful and sensitive. I was happy she said that, really, it made me smile and say thank you. But man, I wish I was more, you know? Something. Don't really know.

I'm afraid that whoever reads this is gonna think I've got some major problems going on here. I'm aware that I seem like I got the lowest of the low self-esteem. I'm not though, I do have self-esteem. I do like things about myself. I don't know why I'm trying to prove anything! Idk Idk Idk Idk. I just think a lot

'you just use the future to escape the present'

I'm getting more and more excited about what I plan to do over the summer. Not vacation wise, since my mom doesn't leave the house. In a creative, artsy way. I plan to make a scrapbook of my favorite quotes and photos all arranged on separate pages decorated really nice. I already have a great big scrapbook and everything! I'm going to absolutely love doing that project. My own little self-expressing project. Haha, my Mom's going to look at it when it's all finished (which probably won't be till mid-august at least) and be shocked. She doesn't know me at all.
I'm also planning to write my first story this summer! I've had a story line formed in my head for about a month, and personally I find the whole scenario of it pretty interesting. I wrote down ideas and basic points of it in my journal last night. I'm pretty excited about it, I just always enjoyed writing since I can remember.
I think both of these projects are a good way to occupy some of my time during the summer. I need to use up all of this precious time away from everything in a productive way.

For my next hair appointment I'm thinking about getting bangs again. I had them when I was younger and started growing them out in 4th grade. I spent that whole year wearing a headband, seriously. It took me FOREVER to grow my bangs out.. but I want bangs again. I don't know yet whether to get side bangs or just straight down. I'll have to ask the lady who usually does mine. I'm definitely growing mine out long though, no more cutting. It's pretty long already too. And I'm getting my highlights re-done, finally. I can't stand my roots anymore. June come soon!


I've become addicted to lookbook.

ahaahahahahahhahah
i'm lying through my teeth
its fun

mmmmmm I DON'T NEED ANYONE