It's evenings like this that I dread. When I feel utterly empty and 2 inches small. Feel like I have nothing. And then I feel horrible about myself and think that I'm the most selfish human being, because I know I have a lot to be grateful for, which I am! I seriously am. It's a vicious cycle. I remind myself of the fact over and over again that I'm in this alone. I have no one. No one to talk to, and no one who fully gets it.
I try I try I try
I want someone to tell me whats wrong with me so I can feel alright and content. Why are you such a procrastinator, Mom? Or maybe my few reminders in the months haven't been enough. This is what I don't understand. If your daughter, or anyone in your family, anyone that you love says they want to talk to someone -need help, isn't that something you don't forget? That's something that anyone would want to fix asap. I'm pretty sure I'm right on this.
I mentioned to dad in the car today about stress, and he went "But your handling it good, it seems, right?" Well , uh, he's not with me 24 hours in the day so how would he know? When I'm around my parents I try to be alert and interested, because obviously it's what I know they want. What I'm feeling is the reason why I'm thinking about turning to alcohol and smoking. I choose not to go to bed until 3am. I choose to feel exhausted all the time. I feel like I have to explain every single thing, have to make it clear as day as to what I'm feeling. And that's the problem because I don't know, really. They need to just believe me for once.
The first time my mom called someone, the women didn't cover our insurance so my mom sought out for others. Well, I guess she stopped looking. She must think I'm okay now. Hey, maybe I am, sure I could. I know I'm no unique case here that a therapist is going to come across. I'm a teenager. I'm depressed. I'm stressed. Yep, nothing new there. ITS JUST SO DAMN HORRIBLE.
I'm writing my name on the list tomorrow morning to talk with my guidance counselor
I will tell him that I have this constant battle in my head whether or not to change schools. To leave my current, high tuition, literally college based, catholic school and be with my best friends in the entire world, and possibly be happy some days of the week, or stay at that school for 2 more miserable years, but have a promising education?
I'm constantly debating on this in my head. Some days I can go either way.
Maybe my guidance counselor will tell me what to do.
I'm also going to mention about my mom and the therapist, since he was the one who recommended someone to her.
/end rant
wow. i'm sorry that all that's going on.
ReplyDeletelike i've said before, if you need to rant at or vent to or whatever, i'll listen. i may not be able to give brilliant advice, but at least you aren't alone.
things will get better. i promise.
<3