So tonight was this big dance competition between two teams, Blue and Gold, for my school. I wasn't planning on going because I think it's really stupid, but hey I decided to go. Mostly because Danielle said she would go so both of us went and met up with my other friend. So I'm watching all of these girls, and their making me so envious, angry, and sad all at the same time because they all look like they have it all together. From the outside, it looks like their lives are perfect. I can practically picture their lives in my head right now. And god it all makes me so everything all at the same time. I wish I wish I wish. I'm falling apart while most girls look like they are loving their life to the core.
Throughout the night I could feel my self-esteem becoming lower and lower. I know I'm completely average. I'm not the smartest. I'm not the prettiest. I'm not involved in anything what so ever. I basically feel like the gum on your sidewalk!
So I asked myself a question, does being average really cut it in this world?
I don't think so, really. I KNOW, yes, most people are average. But you know what, I'm allowed to hate being average. Shoot me. I seriously do. I want to be wonderful, what's so bad about that. I wish I could be pretty without even trying like some girls I saw tonight, not study for a test and do well, do something. Be in the front row for a dance routine, hit a home run, do a back hand spring, win a contest. I'm not involved in ANYTHING. I'm not in any clubs, sports, etc. in my school. And you know why? Because. I. Hate. People.
I cannot stand 99.8% of the people I've come across at my school. I wish I could run into a hole when I have to hear their mindless conversations. I don't like to surround myself with them at all, so why would I spend my free hours with them? So I choose not too, therefore making me seem like a complete loner. But you know what.. I guess I am. The being a loner part I'm okay with. So what? Don't really care about that at all. I have my 3 best friends in the world and I'm perfectly happy about that. I'd rather have 3 best friends than 300 acquaintances any day.
While those girls are dreaming happy dreams I'm having a breakdown and can't stop thinking thinking thinking.
While those girls are sleeping I read till 3am.
While those girls are occupied with trying to get a boy to hookup with to make themselves seem more popular, I guess, I think about my future.
While those girls are out every Friday night, sometimes I'd rather stay home and watch movies.
While those girls are texting 5 guys at a time I look at my window at awe with the world.
I guess you get my point. And while all these things I do I enjoy and personally think are great, I wish I was different. I wish I was kinda like those girls. I know I can honestly say I feel different than a lot of them. I am happy with that, but at the same time sad. It's contradicting and weird. Ah. Maybe this isn't making sense.
I told my dad in the car that honestly sometimes I feel like I'm a disappointment to him and mom. I don't do anything and I have no accomplishments. They don't go see their daughter kick a winning goal, sing her heart out, dance in a recital, have a lead in the school play. They could be missing out while have hopes that my younger sister will do things. Of course he said no, so did Mom later on. He said guys prefer average girls? 'Cause then we got in the topic of guys. And that teenage years are such a small part of ones life if you look at life as a whole. That made me smile. Mom said that she has plenty to be proud of. She said I'm mature than people doubled my age, and that I'm insightful and sensitive. I was happy she said that, really, it made me smile and say thank you. But man, I wish I was more, you know? Something. Don't really know.
I'm afraid that whoever reads this is gonna think I've got some major problems going on here. I'm aware that I seem like I got the lowest of the low self-esteem. I'm not though, I do have self-esteem. I do like things about myself. I don't know why I'm trying to prove anything! Idk Idk Idk Idk. I just think a lot
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i totally understand. i feel like that sometimes. but you have to remember that you have more depth to your life than they do. plus, their lives aren't as easy as they make it look, i'm sure. your parents are totally right. you have a lot to offer the world, and you could do something truly amazing if you put your mind to it.
ReplyDelete<3!
I haven't logged on to xanga in quite a time. I just wanted to drop a hello and I hope to continue our lovely conversations once again. Who sings this song? (I'll read your post soon!)
ReplyDeleteI think there isn't an 'average' anymore. Since everyone is so complex, and so different (maybe not on the 'outside'). It's hard, really hard (which I understand)but we're going to find our niche. Sooner or later, and all those girls at the dance that you envied, fuck them. They're probably putting on this act, putting a mask on their problems and prancing around like they don't have a damn issue in their life. Don't care, don't look at other people. Focus on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI feel so similar to what you wrote, you're not in any clubs because you don't like the people. I don't either. And because I'm not motivated too. But honestly, the past year I've just stopped caring. These people I'm surrounded by every day, I'm not going to know them in two years. I just don't give a fuck about them.
you're welcome! i'm glad i can help lighten your mood. ;D
ReplyDelete<3
thank you! i love polaroids, too. but i only have a limited number of pictures left since they don't make film for them anymore =(. i love the fratellis too! their music is so catchy.
ReplyDelete<3